Monday, 23 January 2012

Big fear

This is not the sort of prompt you want to come up to journal about when you are sharing it. However, come up it did, so here is my big fear: What if I miss the thing that God has for me to do? What if I get to heaven and He is disappointed with me? What if I fall short of what I could be?

Now, I know that God loves me. I am unshakeable in that. But we can love people and still be disappointed in them from time to time. My biggest fear is that God will feel that way about me. That I could have been so much more than I am.

It is easy to see where the fear comes in - it is in that small pronoun 'I'. When I concentrate on what I am doing instead of focussing on God, that is when I start to make mistakes, to miss things, to make unwise decisions. If I focus on God I will not  miss the things He has for me to do and to be.

I never fail to be amazed at what God reveals through a page when you just let it flow, not thinking too hard about what you are doing. If I analyse this journal page I notice that there is an underpinning of yellow, which to me is hopeful. The hope that my fear will not come to pass if only I set my sights on Him. I have also noticed, coming back to the page, that the bright yellow streaks flow in the opposite direction to all the other colours, being from top to bottom rather than side to side, perhaps showing the direction of the flow of hope - from God down to me. On top of the yellow there are brown and grey layers of the doubt that I have about myself. But the yellow shows through and cannot be obliterated by my own fear. It is the foundation of the page as it is the foundation in my life. There is also a layer of flesh tone that reflects the humanness of my fear.

Why not journal what you fear and see if you can find a way to overcome.

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